Another Day, Another Dollar

At 7:00am, my eyes "poinked" open. Regretfully I realized that it was too late to try to go back to sleep again. Sighing, I rolled over and by doing that, woke Dan up too. Pulling off his c-pap mask, he asked the time. Now, it's a funny thing; we have a clock that beams the time on the ceiling in bright red numbers so all you have to do is look up to know the time but Dan can never seem to see these numbers in the early morning light. So I am the official "bed timekeeper" in our house.

"Seven-oh-something."

"Okay then..." Dan rolled over onto his side and pulled me roughly into his arms.

"My god, you feel good, Dan," I murmured as I snuggled against his warm body. The 100 degrees-plus recent heat wave has vanished and our cool, fog-laden nights are back again. Great sleeping weather. Actually we've both been struggling waking up lately, we've been sleeping so hard during the night.

As I thought about getting up in a few minutes, I felt increasingly lazy. In fact, I felt so lazy, I didn't want to get up at all. Usually when Dan gets up and starts his routine getting ready for work, I get up to make the coffee, breakfast and fix his lunch. It only seems fair since Dan has a commute and has to wear official office clothes but I only have to walk into my home office and can wear a robe all day if I choose.

Or even naked. I often sit here completely starkers all day. Little do my customers know.

But this morning I felt so extremely lazy, I simply could not bear the idea of getting out of our cozy bed quite yet.

"Dan?"

"Mmmm?"

"Is it okay if I don't make your breakfast and lunch today?" This was said in my "plaintive little girl" voice I use when I want something I don't think I should have.

Dan looked down at me in surprise.

"Why, Bups? Are you sick?" He looked worried so I hastened to reassure him.

"No, no...I'm just, uh...well, I'm...I'm lazy today." This part was mumbled as I slowly pulled the covers up to hide my face except for my eyes, which peeked over at Dan in what I hoped was a beguiling way.

"Hmmmm," Dan drawled, as his expression changed from concern to the "hairy eyeball" look. "Well, at least you're honest, I'll give you that much. But I don't know, Amber. Let's see, you didn't make my breakfast or lunch Tuesday because that was your day with Lucy, Wednesday was the farewell party for a co-worker so my lunch was catered... Seems like you've gotten off from making breakfast and lunch a LOT lately." Dan's eyes were twinkling as he tried to remain stern.

I continued to stare at him pleadingly and he burst out laughing.

"Of course you don't have to do it; I'll grab something on the way to work." Dan got up to start his routine and I burrowed back into the warm covers, sighing happily. I knew I'd have to get up eventually since I always start work at 9am if not before, but that meant I still had at least an hour or so to luxuriate in the soft warm sheets.

Dan started up the shower, then went into his office to check email/status of The World. A small pang of guilt snuck in despite myself because I just knew he'd stop and pick up something nasty for breakfast, like donuts, and god knows what crap he might eat at lunchtime instead of the healthy lunch I usually make him, but I ruthlessly shoved the pang away.

I almost never do this, I thought drowsily. Satisfied with my justification, I considered picking up my book to read but the effort seemed too great. Closing my eyes in contentment, I let myself relax then suddenly felt the "thump" of a B&W Cat, my Woody, against my chest.

"Purrt? PURRRRRRTTT?" Woody settled into kneading against my all-too-exposed arm as I scrambled to pull the comforter between us.

"Woody, please..." I groaned as he continued to knead; oblivious to my pain, closing his eyes in bliss. Finally I pulled him around so his body was in a "curl" position and held him tight against my side.

"Go to sleep, Woods, you're so annoying."

Woody obliged, relaxed against me and blessedly stopped kneading. Again I closed my eyes and tucked closer into my pillow.

Maybe I'll never get up, I'll just stay here forever; I have everything I need right here. Warmth, a cat, water and a book. Perfect. My thoughts drifted off as I started to doze.

Mmmmmmm....soooo niiiice...

"Amber! J says blah blah unintelligible gooble-dee-gook."

Huh?

"J says what, Dan?" I couldn't hear him over the shower running.

"J SAYS HE HAD A GREAT TIME HERE THE OTHER WEEK AND HE'S COMING BACK AGAIN IN THE FALL!"

"Oh, okay, baby...tha's nice..." zzzzzzzz

"Amber! J says that blah blah too-hard-to-hear-over-the-shower yatta yatta blah..."

"DAN? Babe, I cannot HEAR YOU."

Sheesh.

Dan: "Blah blah, something-something foo"

Me: "CANNOT HEAR"

Dan: "Ekdk goieuit amdkpoaie didy"

Me: SIGHS

Maybe I should just get up after all., I thought, irritated.

Fortunately Dan finally gave up trying to make himself heard but by now I had given up trying to go back to sleep again; it just wasn't happening. Annoyed, I grabbed my second fluffy pillow and stuck it behind my head so I was propped up. Woody decided he'd heard something in the house he had to investigate in a hurry and used my tummy as a launching pad.

"Ooof!" I exclaimed, clutching my stomach as he vaulted off. "Damn it, Woody!"

Dan walked past the bed towards the shower, chuckling to himself and I glowered at him.

"Dan, so what were you trying to tell me, anyway? What else did J say?"

Dan snickered then said, "I was just messing with you, Amber. I was saying nonsense like 'purple banana playground newspaper red-leather yellow-leather". Dan leaned on the dresser top and started laughing really hard while I stared coldly, unamused.

"AHHAAHAHAH! Oh god, you were so funny...'I can't hear you Dan, I cannot HEAR YOU!' AHAHAHA, Amber, you sounded so pissed!"

I just stared harder. When finally Dan recovered, I said very sweetly, "Babe? You know what?"

"What, Amber?" Dan pulled out a towel and walked towards the master bathroom, still struggling to contain his laughter.

"I'm really really GLAD that I'm NOT MAKING your breakfast and lunch. Oh, HELLS YEAH! Reeeeeally happy." Crossing my arms, I gave him an evil grin.

He stopped and turned to look at me, then burst out laughing again.

"Well, I guess I deserve that," he said, still grinning but looking a trifle sheepish as he got into the shower.

Damn straight.

It's not nice to fool the woman who holds your lunch bag in her hands, oh no. No, it's definitely not.

*BEG*

Capice? ;-P

Note: Apparently Haloscan comments are once again acting up; comments appear, then disappear and then, hey, presto! There they are again! Rest assured I'm not deleting anyone so...not sure what to do about it except what we did last time which is wait until Haloscan recovers from its little nervous breakdown

Mother Daughter Day

Lucy picked me up around 11am and we drove to our first winery. The manager/owner was there and we know him so we got VIP treatment and a pouring with their reserve wines. SQUEEEE! Bought some wines we'd liked, then after that we drove to a little restaurant in Sonoma and had truffle fries, crispy fried asparagus spears and split the salmon croquette. We were so stuffed we couldn't finish everything but the food was soooo awesome! Then we visited another winery on the way home, sat out on their patio (which was totally deserted so we had it all to ourselves) and bought more wines.

Pictures and some movies here:

Mother Daughter Day Media Bonanza

When we got back here to the house, it was such a beautiful day we decided to sit under the umbrellaed table in our backyard. I made up a dish of snacks with some cheese and fresh fruit and we opened up a bottle of Sangiovese we'd picked up at one of the wineries. We chatted and sang to music. Dan came home and we all talked more. About the wedding, which is right around the corner now, and all the fun things Lucy and I had done that day. At last, Lucy had to leave as her soon-to-be-husband was going to be home from work so we all hugged/kissed goodbye.

Dan drew a hot bath and I climbed in with him to soak. I love doing this so much, it's very intimate and we've had some great times in the tub together. We have one of those big, oversized tubs but we both have long legs, so I usually end up facing Dan sitting between his legs with my bare feet sticking up into his armpits. He doesn't mind; says he "enjoys the view".

I AM rather exposed in that position, lol!

As we talked about Lucy and wines and our cats and our days and our lives, I felt more and more...sad. Inexplicably so.

It had been...a wonderful day.

We had had...the best time.

And yet...I grew so melancholy I could hardly bear it.

And I didn't understand why.

I love my son-in-law-to-be, Jake and I'm so very happy for Lucy. But...but yesterday...I was trying to re-create a memorable day of wine tasting we had done years ago, when Lucy first got her convertible. We were both being so giddy and girlishly happy back then. But that was 5 years ago, now. Lucy has grown a lot since then. That air of silliness was...gone.

In that young girl's place is this mature, poised, fully grown woman on the brink of turning 30. She has organized and put together this huge wedding all on her own, she has a career, she is soon to have a husband, start a family. And it shows! Yesterday she lead and I followed. Not in a bad way; she asked where I wanted to go for tasting but she drove directly to the restaurant she wanted to go to and...she's just so self-assured, relaxed, a strong beautiful woman who knows what she wants and has carved out the life she desires.

So why is this bothering me? Don't get me wrong; I'm so PROUD of her and we had so much FUN yesterday! You can see it in the movies/pics, right?

So what is this sadness inside of me mixed up with the joy?

Dan says that maybe I'm afraid they won't love me as much now that I'm no longer their main source for unconditional love. Maybe I'm afraid that they won't need me anymore. But I don't know if that's it...I know they will always love me and need me. Just as I always loved and needed my mom.

It's funny, when we picked up our daughter-in-law Cory to go swimming over the weekend, our son Ray was sitting at his computer wearing the reading glasses he got recently which makes him look more "grown-up-ish" and, as he stood up to hug me, towering above me and gently cradling my back with his hands, I thought...this is a man!

How did he grow into a man? What happened?

I feel...I feel like time is slipping away faster and faster and I think it all boils down to...

I don't want to lose them. Any of them. By me dying. My mom died young, only in her early 60's and as I grow older and maybe even scarier, as I watch THEM grow older, it reminds me of my own mortality.

And...it's not that I'm afraid to die, actually; I'm really not. Not as much as I used to be, anyway. I have come to terms with my eventual death. We all die, it's inevitable; therefore I surmise it must be A Good Thing. Otherwise Death wouldn't be the natural flip side to Living. Why would every other part of Life that is inevitable be a good thing, as it is, except for Death? That makes no sense to me.

But I will miss them so much. How can I bear that? As these major events play out in my children's lives, I realize how much I will miss all those I love so much and...I know I won't always be here for them.

The pain of that seems unbearable to me. My only hope is that once it happens, Death will also make sense to me in a way I cannot possibly comprehend now.

The way I could not comprehend what being a mother meant before I became one.

The way I could not comprehend what falling in love with Dan meant before I did.

I know this much; I'm incredibly proud of my children, the new families they are creating and the rock-solid-strength of my beloved husband; my best friend, my partner in all things and I thank God that I have been allowed to have this life and this much love in it. I don't know what I've done or did or why or how I got so lucky but I am eternally grateful and humble that I have had the pleasure of knowing such wonderful people and granted the gift of loving them back.

I don't want to take a single moment with any of them for granted. Ever.

I Blog, Therefore I AM!

Actually, I shouldn't be here at all since work is just insane today but if I don't take a break, I'm going to start throwing things at people over the phone. Yes, you heard me right; it's doable, trust me. ;-P

Since Dan blogged about his slant on our weekend here, I thought I'd blog about my weekend. Which was drastically different from Dan's version.

Saturday:

Woke up when alarm went off at 5:45am. Listened to Dan's groaning as he forced himself up to shower, dress and and get ready to drive up to the center and grade finals all weekend. Burrowed deeper into freshly clean sheets and felt lucky I didn't have to get up myself. Smootched Dan goodbye, then fell asleep again until 9am.

Which happens, like...never.

Grabbed my book, Joseph Wambaugh's "The New Centurions" (shut up, I know it's not great lit but I love that book, I don't have to always be reading something "good" for me, finished my education many moons ago, thank you!) and settled in for a good long read in bed while surrounded by four snoozing and snoring cats. Got up around 11am and made coffee. Appraised clean house appreciatively whilst sipping my beloved Red Rooster organic french roast. Took a long hot shower, then dressed in one of my cute little sundresses and some sandals to run errands. Took back blinds that didn't fit to Target, filled my tank with gas at Costco (my credit card definitely whimpered at that but I told it to "nut up Nancy" so it stopped its squeaking), stopped at Trader Joe's for hummus, turkey breast, artichokes and various, stopped at the monstrously expensive Whole Foods for "Voss" water which uses glass containers you can fill again and again to replace my plastic one, stopped at local organic store for the new white ears of corn and some of their insanely good guacamole, then hurried home to change into clothes for the pool.

Packed up a bottle of chilled rose and some water to take to the pool, drove the 15 minutes to get there, then sat around sipping wine, doing laps, reading my book and people watching for three/four hours. Dan arrived from his class and joined me. Took pleasure in watching Dan's shoulders as he knifed through the water doing his laps. Enjoyed listening to/watching all the children playing in the kid's pool.

Came home, Dan barbecued; steak, baby red potatoes and white corn on the cob. Yum! Ate on our backyard table, watched the day turn into dusk. Went inside when it got dark, disappeared into my office while Dan watched TV and worked on music for Lucy until I was tired. Sleepily stumbled into bed where Dan was already snoozing. Snuggled up against him and knew no more until morning.

Sunday

Basically the same thing as Saturday except I didn't make coffee or run errands and Dan came home early from his classes around noon. We asked Cory to join us at the pool but before we left to pick her up, Dan stripped himself and me then shagged me rotten, fucked me sideways, drilled into me like a jackhammer, assaulted my maidenhood with his dastardly male ways...er, we made love.

Packed cooler with rose and water again, stopped at Safeway to pick up snacks; sushi, tuna salad sandwiches, fresh fruit in a bowl. Picked up Cory, tried to talk Ray into coming but he was starting his new job today and didn't want to come.

Talked, swam, drank, ate, laughed, read, people watched, baby/children watched. Cory and I killed the entire bottle ourselves and we were quite giggly. Dan mostly read and rolled his eyes at our silliness. Did the naked-jacuzzi-thing with Cory in the women's locker before showering, dressing and leaving. Made small talk with a woman who had to be 90 if she was a day but she was pretty damn cute and certainly enjoyed her jacuzzi time.

By the time we came out, Dan had fallen asleep in the lobby waiting for us, AWWW!

Dropped off Cory, petted their dog and cats, admired their new curtains, hugged/kissed them goodbye, commented on the episode of "Seinfeld" which was on their TV and which we've all seen a million times (the "shrinkage" one) and wished Ray luck on his new job.

Came home. Ate leftover food for dinner being too tired from swimming and sunbathing all afternoon early evening to cook. Watched TV until 8 or so when Dan disappeared into his office to do whatever it is he does in there while I sat on the couch trying to watch some TV as my eyelids gradually grew heavier and heavier until finally I toppled over onto the couch.

Next thing I knew, Dan was above me, laughing and saying something about me snoring.

Unpossible as everyone knows women do not snore. Drew myself up in a dignified way, wiped the drool off my face and announced I was going to bed now.

The cats agreed as they followed me in there.

Next thing I knew it was this morning.

Did the weekday morning routine then logged into my work computer/picked up work voice mail, dealt with usual Monday morning insanity then stopped and laughed at this:



Laughed my ass off.

Life
Is
Good

Tomorrow Lucy and I are taking the day off for a Mother/Daughter Day. We used to do these little jaunts all the time but it's been years since the last time. We'll be lunching in Sonoma and wine tasting at our favorite haunts, going places we haven't been to for years, seeing people we haven't seen for a long time. With the top down in her snazzy little silver convertible and the tunes blasting.

Cannot wait, we are both so looking forward to this.

Tempers Flare

(Note: still looking for ideas on Lucy's BD party; if you haven't read it yet, scroll down to yesterday's post and help me out, please. Ideas so far are awesome, thank you! Except for Lori, who has FAILED ME! ahahahah *winks at Lori* :) )

We are in the middle of a heat wave. It has been in the hundreds and it's going to be in the hundreds again today. It's hard to sleep, even with AC because it's so expensive we only use it when we are desperate. For instance, last night I was up until 11:30pm (which yes, is late for me) then I woke up sweating at 5am, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30...you get the picture. Dan of course didn't sleep well either. Even our CATS aren't sleeping well so you know something is wrong when even cats can't get their 40 hours of sleep in a day.

So of course we snapped at one another this morning while getting the house ready for the housekeepers and got into a furiously intense, albeit brief, argument.

See, although I do most of the housework and it is my pleasure to do so, Dan does help me out on Friday mornings before the housekeepers get here. There is a lot to do, even if we get halfway ready Thursday night. We both work full-time and I also prepare Dan's breakfast and make his lunch for work. Now, usually, we are a well-oiled machine. Dan has certain chores he does in preparation and I have chores I do as well.

However...sometimes my Dan, wonderful as he is, *SOMETIMES* (only sometimes and it's not often) goes off to work and leaves me with things he should have done but forgot. I understand he doesn't do the housework the way I do. He has explained to me again and again that he just doesn't "see" stuff that needs to be done. And I'm okay with that. But this morning I was very tired and I wanted to make sure he didn't forget to do some things that sometimes he does forget.

Because it's been two nights now that we haven't been sleeping and I'm getting pret-ty stabby by now.

"Dan, don't forget to take out the recycling, okay?"

"Okay."

I didn't look at him but I knew he didn't take it well by his tone.

A few minutes later...

"Dan? I'm sorry but, please don't forget to pick up your shoes and socks all over the place, k?"

"You know, Amber, I'm starting to get irritated."

"Well I don't like doing ALL THIS STUFF EITHER, DAN!" I almost shouted over my shoulder as I carried various old magazines and junk mail to the recycling bin.

So now we had almost shouted at each other and we were both grumpy. When Dan came in to sit down for breakfast, I was surly and so was he.

Next thing we knew, we were at it:

"Why is it I cannot ask you to do anything without you getting mad at me about it!"

"I wasn't mad at YOU, Amber, I was just irritated about the whole thing."

"No! NO! You were mad at ME! You always ask me to ask you when I need help and when I do, you get MAD AT ME!"

"I wasn't MAD at you!"

"Oh so you were talking to the HOUSE, it was the HOUSE you were 'irritated' with? AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY THAT LOAD OF CRAP!?"

"STOP SHOUTING AMBER!"

"I'LL STOP SHOUTING IF YOU DO AND I'M NOT SHOUTING!"

"Yes you are."

"No...I'm not. See? Not shouting."

"Amber, we've had this discussion before; it's your tone, it's like you're ordering me about."

"I KNOW we've had this-"

"Stop shouting."

"ARgh! Okay, I know we've had this discussion before but why can't you just look at it like a co-worker and you're working on a project."

"Because I have no input into this 'project'! It's all your way or the highway; I can never say anything about it! When you let the laundry build up and I said something, oh my god it was like WWIII"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I DO 90 PERCENT OF THE HOUSEWORK! Sometimes I'm sick or just SICK OF IT ALL!"

"YOU'RE SHOUTING AGAIN!"

"GOOD!!! GOOD!!! I'M GLAD I'M SHOUTING!"

"Amber, you are not being fair; I help with the housework too!"

"Yes you do but Dan you do nowhere NEAR the amount of housework I do! I make your breakfast, your lunch then clean up, then do the dishes, then before you come home I stop my FULL TIME JOB and run around trying to make the house look nice before you walk in the door! AND THE LAUNDRY! Okay, okay, fine! FINE! Let's split it 50/50 from now on; we'll split the housework every other day and then you can nag at me about it on my day to do it like HITLER, okay? And I can yell at you, too!"

"Amber, calm down! Don't you think that it's because we're tired and cranky from the heat?"

"YEAH! That's IT! I AM tired! So I'm DONE! Make your OWN damn breakfast and your OWN damn lunch!"

And off I stormed to the bathroom so I could shower. While I steamed in the shower (how dare he, how dare he!) and while I steamed while blowdrying my hair (who does he think he is!? What am I? His fucking slave? I don't THINK SO!) I stayed mad. Righteously angry.

(I'm right, I'M RIGHT and he's NOT!)

But by the time I started brushing my teeth, I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for myself and suddenly I had to blink back tears. See, the truth is...I love making my husband's breakfast in the morning. I enjoy making Dan's lunch and doting on him. Most of the time I even enjoy making the house look nice for him. I don't particularly enjoy doing manual labor and getting tired and sweaty but I love making a home for my Man. I do. Yeah, I know in this day and age I guess I'm not supposed to but...raising kids all those years and running the household...it's not that hard today with just Dan and me. And I want to make him happy more than anything on earth and show him my love. This is one of my ways of showing him my love.

So now that I had renounced doing it anymore...I was feeling sorry for myself.

Then the door opened and Dan stood there looking somber. "I'm going to work now," he said, sadly.

See, we never not say goodbye to each other; no matter how angry we might be or what is going on. Because truth is...you never really know if you'll ever see the person again, do you?

I leaned over for a kiss, still angry, though...still upset (fine, go off to work, but I'm not doing things for you ANYMORE!)...and then our eyes met.

"I love you," he said as he kissed me lightly, still looking at me.

"I love you too, Dan...but I'm still mad!"

"I know," he said simply.

But...his eyes looked so sad and I couldn't help it, I grinned, well, I think we both grinned at the same time.

"I'm still mad, you know," I said, trying not to laugh.

"Oh I know," Dan struggled not to laugh too.

Then we gave up and hugged each other and laughed and laughed.

"Well damn it, there goes my mad..." I murmured into his chest.

Dan laughed harder and held me tighter.

"Dan I just hate fighting!"

"Baby...I do too." We both hugged and sighed deeply.

Then I reared back to look into his eyes.

"Dan...please don't take the house thing away from me. It's such a pleasure for me; I couldn't bear it if we did the 50/50 thing." I could feel the hot tears welling up again and I tried hard to stop them. And yes, I know it probably sounds ridiculous that I was begging to do friggin' housework but I couldn't help it; it does give me pleasure to do for him.

"Come here," Dan said, leaning against the bathroom sink and pulling me into his arms, shushing me and cuddling me.

"Amber, listen; we're just both tired and cranky from the heat, that's all this was, okay? I'm sorry I upset you. I could have handled that better, I know." I nodded against his chest.

"I'm sorry I upset you too...GOD I hate it when we fight!"

"Let's just chalk this up to being exhausted from the heat, k?"

"Of course; I love you."

"I love you too."

And everything was okay again as if it had never happened. Happily I waltzed out to the kitchen and finished his lunch, made his breakfast and sent him off to work. We joked a little and teased each other which is our way, touching gently upon the "fight" with a little sarcasm.

I know. I belong in the 50's. In an apron. Barefoot.

Well...would that be so wrong? Would it?

WOULD IT?

*sighs*

Not for me.

Help!

Okay, here's the deal; my daughter Lucy's 30th birthday (what?!!!! 30? But I'm...I'm only 22! WAIT! What the hell happened?), is just a scant few weeks from now: she's turning 30 only a few days before her wedding.

Yes you read that correctly: Go ahead and say it, let's say it together, shall we?

"Why would she schedule her wedding right next to her birthday? Is she crazy??"

No. It's because our area is such a worldwide wedding destination and party destination or whatever, so if she hadn't booked this venue over a year ago in April 2007 for now, she would have had to wait until winter 2008.

So. Here we are. Woman turns 30 and everyone she knows is like..."DUDE! Are you AWARE there are events nonstop right after your birthday? I mean...DUUUUUDE!" (wait, do people still say "dude"? No? Too bad, I am...)

So. (Yes, I say "so" a lot; get over it) So, here's the thing...Jake, her fiance, has asked if maybe a nice dinner at a funky backyard laid-back restaurant we've all been dying to try because the chef is supposedly the next best thing to Gordon Ramsay, would be a good thing. Just his friends, her friends and her immediate family.

Table for 12.

Low-key.

Backyard NorCal ambiance.

I said, hell yes! Sounds perfect. This will be a surprise, too.

"Here's a cupcake with a three on it, Lucy; we couldn't fit the "zero", wheee!"

You know. So she doesn't know this is coming.

However. I want to do something decorative. She's turning 30. 30. I thought I was too old to live at 30. We need to celebrate that. Or make it better, whichever happens for her. Anyway, the restaurant has agreed that we can do whatever on the chairs or table or whatever we like.

Problem

I am not good at this kind of thing. :( As I've said before, I put out food, libation, music and I make sure everyone feels more comfortable than they ever have before. But, but...

It's her 30th, you guys!

Ideas please! In comments, in email, links. What should I bring to make it clear she is 30 and this isn't some kind of regular birthday? Hint, she is deathly afraid of balloons so no balloons. She loves her two cats, I was thinking of getting pictures of them blown up on each chair with funny LOLcat sayings or...I don't know. Flowers? What about the 30 part? Should we do something funny, not funny?

If you turned 30 already, what did you like/didn't like?

If you are going to turn 30 in the future, what WOULD you really like/wouldn't like?

You guys...I confess...I truly suck at this stuff. I love my loved ones but I'm horrible at gifts and decorating and such. Her best friend, her matron of honor, just busted her ass at the shower and she's also newly pregnant and on the verge of vomiting constantly. And I don't really know her other friends. Cory, her brother's wife, is about as capable as I am in this kind of thing.

We mean well, though!

Ideas? HELLLLP! Any and all ideas much appreciated. :)

Good Times, Good Times...

This past weekend was an utter blast and a half.

First of all, our out of town friend arrived Friday and stayed until Sunday. He's so fabulous; we just love being around him. He's what we call "a member of the tribe". You know, the people you meet in life and you just instantly "click" with them. It's so rare when that happens. Unfortunately.

So we revel in every moment we get to spend with him whenever he comes here for business, which is maybe twice a year.

On Sunday all the kids came over for Mother's Day. Cory and Ray came over in the morning to make french toast for breakfast and they brought champagne for mimosas. Dan whipped up his fabulous scrambled eggs with basil and cheese, sauteed potatoes and bacon from the organic market. Ray brought his Wii and omg, that is a fun game. Ray and Cory had to leave to go to her mom's house but left the Wii for us to use so our friend J and Dan played all the games and I played my favorite; boxing. I almost knocked out J, too, but in the end he knocked me out in the 3rd round. We were both out of breath, though! Fun fun...

Dan, J and I all drove up to our gym that has the big pool. We swam, then sat around talking. As we drove home, I felt so very relaxed. Nobody was letting me do anything; Ray had done the dishes, Dan was making sure I was taken care of.

Now I know what it's like to be a GUY! ahahahah!

Lucy and Jake came over to make dinner. Lucy made jambalaya; we've never had that before. DELICIOUS! Dan couldn't believe how good it was and neither could I. Then we moved into the living room to talk. Jake picked up the guitar and began to play and we all sang.

Finally it was over and everyone left. We hugged J goodbye extra tight since we won't be seeing him again until probably this winter. Then Dan and I watched the finale of Survivor (oooOO! That bitch Parvarti won! Can't believe it, we were SO rooting for Amanda, but damn! She sucks at final council. Both times now too!) then fell into bed together; exhausted but happy.

The entire weekend had been magical, truly.

Dan "dommed" me out twice in front of our friend J. I'm still embarrassed when I think about it but...this is who we are so...if Dan chooses to do that, there isn't much I can do about it. He never does anything obvious, like has me kneel or anything like that. That kind of stuff is private, he would never embarrass me that way but he will speak to me in public with that authoritative voice he has and I am expected to obey. And I love it, I love the way he treats me, that blend of protecting me and revering me while expecting me to obey him.

But I still get shy about it. Not only in public, but privately at home. Although I love it so much, it still makes me feel shy sometimes. I wonder if I'll ever get over that.

The first time he did it we were driving back from J taking us out to dinner. We'd had a wonderful time, great food, awesome wine, I was a little tipsy and I was teasing Dan in a fun-loving way. We can't remember now what I was saying but I got a little overboard with it, got a little too disrespectful and Dan gave me a look and said, "You're done now, Amber" in that voice he uses, that quiet low one that makes me go all wobbly inside and I said, "Yes, Dan, I'm done now" and quieted down immediately.

J was in the back seat; I didn't dare look at him. I've met his wife and I know damn good and well that if he ever said anything remotely like that to her, his marriage would become a shrewish hell. I had no clue what J thought, if anything or if he had even noticed the rather subtle exchange.

Then Saturday night while watching a movie with J and Dan, again I got a little wound up, started interrupting too much and Dan used that voice again, saying, "If you do not settle down, Amber, you will be beaten." Now, of course Dan would never "beat" me in anger, it's completely against his nature to hurt me, and what "beatings" might occur for me are for mutual pleasure only, but he does use that term as a veiled joke that is actually a warning signal and I was aware of what he meant. What it really means is, we'll have a serious talk later when we are alone about respect for one another, our promises to one another, our vows, etc., and I'll feel terrible the whole time because I know he's right so I try to avoid those lectures talks at all costs.

Immediately I became quiet, leaning my head against Dan's shoulder in submission and he petted me, saying "Good girl" in approval. Inwardly I cringed because who knows what J thought? I wanted to make a joke, say something to show I wasn't taking Dan seriously, hahahah, funny Dan, whatever.

But I couldn't. This is who I am and I love being submissive to my husband. I love obeying him. I love it when he calls me his "good girl". Sometimes I wish I could show that part of "us" more openly but it's not really necessary.

J did tell Dan at the pool while I was in the women's restrooms at one point that he envied us; our love for each other, the way we are always touching one another, the way we laugh together. Our obvious affection. He is married but he and his wife have recently had a child and she's done that odd thing so many women do; fallen out of love with her husband so she can fall in love with her baby.

We can't help but fall in love with our babies, it's the way we are made but why should that mean we have to fall "out" of love with our husbands? I didn't. Our babies came into OUR lives, not the other way around. I made sure their dad never felt slighted, we continued to have sex, I continued to be his wife in every way.

Poor J's wife doesn't feel that way. The "baby" is three and a half now but J told Dan that he cannot remember the last time they even had sex. More than a year. And when he tries to touch her with friendly affection, she pulls away.

:(

It makes me so sad. :(

So I guess from his comments that either those subtle moments of "domming" me didn't squick him out or he hadn't noticed. On the contrary, I think he'd like that kind of relationship with his wife himself. He kept asking us how we handle disagreements and how we get along so well, especially me, since I'm female and he was hoping for a window into his wife's soul through my perceptions and I was thiiiiiis close to telling him about our roles. Dan was highly amused at my dilemma; he could tell I wanted to tell J but I was too embarrassed. I kept looking at Dan, panicked and he smiled at me..."Go ahead and tell J, Amber," he encouraged, with that mischievous glint in his eyes.

But I couldn't. I don't think I could ever do that.

Last but not least and very exciting...

I FOUND A DRESS! YAYYYY! YAYYYYYY!

I found it yesterday and Dan and Lucy approve! Thank GOD! Only two weeks before the wedding! Do you know how much I was sweating this? I had a backup dress but it's in WHORE RED! I'm serious, it's the only dress I could find remotely close to what I was looking for but of course it wasn't in the nice champagne color I wanted or the rose color I was hoping Lucy might squint at and say it could be rose, sorta, maybe.

No no...it had to be WHORE RED! And tight and sluttyesque.

Dan loves me in it, however, so I will be wearing it. Just not as Mother of the Bride, ahahah!

I'd post a picture of the dress I will be wearing to the wedding but I bought it in a store. It's nothing I would have ever tried on, either. I only did so because the saleslady insisted, said it was perfect for me. She was right! It's a three-piece ensemble; a tea-length skirt, nice sleeveless top and a jacket to match. All in silk champagne. Simple. Elegant. Chic. No bows or ruffles or fake flowers or any of that crap. It's classy. It looks great on me and...very grown up.

I still tend to wear flirty dresses, sexy dresses, free and easy dresses and...it's not that this dress isn't beautiful or flattering because it is.

But it's a very appropriate Mother of the Bride dress. I feel so...dunno. Grown UP! And I'm SO looking forward to my son walking me down the aisle while wearing it. To honor my daughter's marriage. Ah, god, there I go crying again; I can't help it. God knows what I'm going to be like ON the day itself since I can't stop crying before the wedding.

Hoping this will be like Ray's wedding and once the ceremony ends, I'll stop crying and get wrapped up with the celebration. That's what happened last time. Thank god! Don't want to be blubbering all over my fancy-schmancy silk dress and all.

Oh and Dan blogged here. I agree with everything he said and I wish everyone in the world could read what he's written.

Very Busy

Too busy to blog about what's going on right now but everything is good so no worries. Our guest was here over the weekend, Sunday was Mother's Day (Happy Mother's Day, Moms!) we picked up Lucy's dress yesterday and did the last fitting, work is busy, we've been doing spin/swimming at the gym a lot in our non-copious free time, the Great MOB Dress Hunt is still going on although I now have *two* possible backups. Not the right colors but they look great on me. Today will be busy again, with work and meeting Lucy for more wedding stuff to do. AND the gym again, of course, as we desperately try to tone up weeks before D-Day.

I'll try to post something with substance tomorrow since there is nothing on my agenda except work. And I think Dan plans on posting something soon, too, so you can check on him.

Cheers, all! I leave you with a cat video and a phrase that struck me deeply. Our friend, whom we love so much, said during one of our innumerable discussions this past weekend, on everything from Buddhism to politics, "Everyone fails upon close inspection."

And that just hit me between the eyes. Yes we do, don't we? Nobody is perfect, least of all me. But it's okay because we are not meant to be perfect. Here's another one, that is from a radio show I listen to weekly, "Nothing creative can come from perfection" and that always makes me smile and nod too. Because that's true as well.

Now, go laugh at this:

Treadmill Kitties

Aftermath

So one last post about the Series of Suck before we go back to our regularly scheduled programming; The Wacky Wacky Doings of Dan and Amber Stone.

Like the Great Wedding Dress Hunt (YAY! I have a backup! I'm not thrilled with it but it will do if I must use it, although Lucy disagrees), the audit (it wasn't good but it wasn't as bad as it could have been but worst of all, it's not over yet, either, yeesh) my broken toe (didn't hurt at all over the weekend, has hurt like blazes ever since then, I guess because I was on my feet so much) and all the rest:

Ray has now officially changed his mind about "Grandpa" and no longer wants to even visit the property. He didn't say so, but I think he is sorry he invited him to his wedding now. I sent him to that Megan's List page and you know...there is something very visceral about seeing an actual picture of someone you know on that webpage with their offenses listed like that.

When I first saw it, it was like I got kicked in the stomach. It's pretty powerful.

Both my children have been calling me every day, several times a day, all week; talking about that topic, yes, but many other topics too, and...there is a different tone in their voices. A new kind of respect. Not that they didn't respect me before but...I think I rose in their estimation. They knew I could cook, they knew I loved them but I think they didn't know ol' Mom had that in her. Heh.

Yes, well. Wait until they have kids; then they'll understand too.

And Dan was so proud of me, he could not stop praising me, again and again. For being so strong, for doing the right thing even though it was so hard for me. And I needed to hear him say that, to hear you guys say that too, more than I can say.

Because if you think I made that call and then skipped off to enjoy my day, I so did not.

I stood there after I hung up and shook all over, I could not stop trembling. Then I flung myself into Dan's arms, gasping and telling him I'd done it while he hugged me and petted me, again and again. The worst part of the whole thing was...he was so happy to hear from me at first. He said my name with such gladness, so surprised I was calling him, so pleased to hear from me...

Then I cockpunched him.

I know most/all of you are saying, "good" and you are right but...that was difficult for me, okay? I'm not built to hurt people, even if they deserve it. I will stand up and defend, yes, but I will suffer for it afterwards.

So I shook and cried a little in my beloved Dan's arms while saying over and over, "I did it, I did it, Dan, I did it..." while Dan petted me and said, "I'm so proud of you, baby, so proud".

IMPORTANT: Dan and I have been researching what can be done if you are an adult who was abused as a child and would like to take action.

Legally:

First of all, know that the laws have been gradually changed over the years. No longer is the statute of limitations what it used to be. It used to be that if you did not report the abuse within 5 years, nothing could be done legally to the abuser. In most states, this has changed radically. In some/most states, it does not matter how much time has gone by, you can still brings charges against your abuser. So if you are interested, do a search with your state name, type in the words "child sexual abuse" next to that and the words "statute of limitations" and you should be able to find out on your own what the criteria is for your state.

Free Counseling Services:

Next, there are many non-profit, anti-sexual abuse groups all over the country who offer many FREE services to help you heal. You can get FREE on-going counseling with honest-to-goodness counselors, legal information and unconditional support from other people who have also been abused. Even if you are in the position my sis-in-law is in, if you yourself were not abused but you didn't protect your children from a predator, they understand that you are a victim too in your own way and they can help you too. There is no stigma attached.

To find these groups, do a search for "child sexual abuse" and your city and state's name and there should be at least a few organizations you can call anonymously.

I have researched the information for our city and next time I see my SIL (we are having coffee soon) I am giving it to her to use if she likes. I will also tell her, and my niece, that we uninvited the pedophile but I deliberately left out names. That they are still as safe as they want to be. That it's up to them to say anything more if they choose too and no pressure.

What You Can Do As A Parent

Trust your instincts, number one. I look back now and I see many clues that I wish I would have understood better. I met my ex's stepfather when I was 14. Do you know what he said to me after he found out T and I were sexually active? He gave us sexual "advice". I remember him putting his arms across both our shoulders and telling me specifically things that were completely inappropriate. For instance, he said that next time T got hard, I should reach down in his jeans and straighten out his cock because it's painful to have a hardon like that.

While this is true, I was 14 years old! He was 40-something and I was FOURTEEN! He had no fucking business saying that to me! Or the other things he said, which I cannot remember now but I do remember how I reacted:

I was flattered, flattered that this adult was so cool to talk to us about sex like that. It wasn't until Lucy got to be around 13 or so and I started to remember the way he treated us back then and I thought to myself, that was very odd. The closer I got to the age he had been, the more I realized I would never do or say things he had at the same age to young people. I might talk to my daughter Lucy about sex but never her bf. And never EVER something as crass as the things he had said to us.

But I dismissed it. At first. Remember, SUCH a nice guy!

Also, there were many times were I could tell something was not being said. There were significant looks among the adult male cousins of my ex; whispers and shaking of heads.

"What?" I'd ask, at 14, 16, 18. But they wouldn't say, they'd change the subject. I found out later he had tried to molest those boys too, but they had refused his attentions. And there was a family story my in-laws would tell again and again; all about how my ex-FIL had not come home one day back in the 60's and ended up not coming home for months. My MIL had been frantic, not knowing what happened to him then one day he showed up. Said he had had amnesia.

And everyone would always turn to stare at me with this...funny look. Like those old E. F. Hutton commercials; they would literally all turn and stare at me, waiting for...I don't know what. It was strange and I never knew what to say.

Now I am pretty sure that is when he was in jail for child sexual abuse. That is probably why he is on Megan's list.

But I had to put all this together over the years. I wasn't insightful enough at 14, 16, 18, even into my 20's. It all slowly came together for me as I got older, little things like the whispered convos that would stop when I showed up, family members who suddenly stopped going to see my in-laws anymore and that's what finally started my questioning of my ex.

Oh and by the way, I am absolutely convinced my ex-MIL knew all about it; how could she possibly not? I remember now looks from her, a panicked look, a guilty look...it took me a long time to figure it out all but I finally did.

So pay close attention to your instincts. You don't have to freak your kids out and scare them all the time by warning them; just encourage them to always talk to you about everything. Let them know regularly that they can tell you anything without fear and then back that up by doing so. Someone said that Lucy and Ray were probably left alone because he didn't feel as comfortable with them and that is no doubt very true. Lucy and Ray were very independent and strong little kids. I treated Lucy and Ray with great respect as they grew up; I gave them the ability to stand up for themselves very early on. Teach your children that all adults are not instantly "right." Even cops, teachers, etc. That if an adult tells you to do something that doesn't seem right, you don't have to. That's very important. Predators usually leave kids like that alone.

The more we are aware, the more we question ourselves and others, the more we look around us and learn and talk and share together, the more power we have and the less they have.

Thank you so much for all your comments and support. I cannot possibly address them all but please know you all touched my heart and I'm very glad you are sharing your stories too. It makes us feel less alone, I think.

So I thank you.

Validation

Although the convo we had that night was rough, it had been a healing conversation, it really had.

Especially for me, oddly enough. At last, I was no longer all alone in this.

You see, I had been the only one who spoke the truth about that man for so many years. And although Lucy believed me and had cut her ex-step-grandfather totally off, Ray continued to go see him after he became an adult. They have a very large country property and Ray enjoyed going hunting and fishing up there. And...again, it's that whole insidious attitude everyone on that side of the family had of ignoring the truth that affected all of us:

If no one else wanted to talk about it, then maybe it wasn't really true.

To strengthen this view, remember, "Grandpa" seems like such a nice man. Truly. He's kind and intelligent, friendly and helpful. And so good with children; so patient, especially with the boys. He was a wonderful grandfather and a great father-in-law. I often asked for his advice, I admired the way he treated the children, I trusted him completely. He used to be a Scout Master, too, you know, BEFORE he even married into this built-in family.

Wasn't that unselfish of him?(Yes...yes, I know what you are thinking and of course you are right, I'm being sarcastic here)

He was well respected, well loved. JUST SUCH A NICE DAMN GUY!

So. Think about that for a minute. Would you be seduced as easily by someone who WASN'T such a "nice guy"? I mean, if he was being a jerk to everyone, would the family have been quite so quick to pretend nothing was happening? If he was being a violent asshole, would they have STILL wanted to hush it all up?

Well, maybe.

And maybe not. One thing you can be sure of; it's a whole lot easier to pretend things are good when someone is being really charming than not.

Pedophiles usually do that on purpose. They invite our trust. They make damn sure they come off as nice and friendly. They WANT us to trust them and most of them make very sure that they do not ever do anything that makes you NOT trust them.

He's 80 years old now and I STILL wouldn't trust him for a single second around children. It doesn't matter how old they get because it isn't about the sex. It's about control, it's about their personality being warped and they can only really feel when they are with children.

And more than that (and this is the hardest part to stomach); children warm to the affection their abuser brings them, especially neglected children. This image we tend to have of violence being involved is often wrong, at least in the beginning and especially when it's a family member. Usually the child is "groomed" by the abuser, seduced by their abuser and they come to love the affection they are getting because they are often not getting the affection or attention the need from their own family. Often they have been starved for such affection in their own family, although not always. There is touching, words of love, more touching, gradually more and more inappropriate.

So they enjoy it. At first. By the time it becomes unenjoyable, it's usually too late. They've been conditioned, worse, they might even feel they are complicit because they enjoyed it earlier. Then there is fear added. Shame. Secrets. And when it's a powerful authoritative family member and you are a child under that person's control...you get the picture, it's a complicated, very difficult situation to understand and to explain and I am by no means an expert.

But I do have ultimate compassion for the victims.

And even to an extent the predators themselves, to be honest. Who were also almost always preyed upon themselves as children. Why some grow up to abuse children themselves and others violently reject ever hurting a child, no one knows. And so the sickness continues, passing on from one generation to another.

It hurt me that Ray continued to see him, although Ray admitted that he didn't really like being around "Grandpa" anymore, he just missed the property he'd grown up enjoying. I said, "Ray, then you're just using him" but Ray was young and (forgive me, all you young men out there who might be more mature and reading this) like most young men at that age, prone to being very stupid and headstrong at times.

Not long after Ray had asked Cory to marry him last year, he called me.

"Mom, I'm going to ask Grandpa to our wedding; I know how you feel about it but I'm inviting him and I don't want any trouble."

I supposed he meant from me. Oh yeah. I'm the "big troublemaker", remember? Because I've continue to warn everyone about him whenever I could. Whenever I heard children were going up there, I told the parents the whole story.

It was not fun to do that but I did it.

I told Ray that he had the right to invite whomever he chose and of course I would never cause a scene in public and especially not at his wedding. And yes, I was hurt he was inviting him. Also, as some of you might remember me writing about, as Ray and Cory's wedding got closer, I grew more and more nervous about seeing my ex-FIL again. Dan and I had many talks about it; practicing how I would react, what I would do. I had small panic attacks over it but when the time came, I simply greeted him civilly then avoided him the rest of the reception.

When it came time for Lucy to make out her wedding invitations, we had several conversations about "Grandpa". She didn't want to invite him, she said, but she didn't want to further estrange her already very distant father either. Or upset the rest of the family. I told her to do whatever she pleased, I said (and I'm kicking myself now, trust me) that he was quiet enough at Ray's wedding, what difference did it make just this one time, to placate the other family members.

Yes, I'm sure as fuck not perfect. I wish I'd never said that now. See? I am not immune to the whole "if no one talks about it maybe it's not that bad".

I'm not immune to that either.

It got very late and we were all very tired so finally niece and sis-in-law went home amongst much hugging and kissing, promising to get together again very soon. Dan and I had spent hours with both of them, reassuring them, telling them that their actions or non-actions were completely understandable and I know we helped them a lot. We fell into bed exhausted and emotionally drained and the first thing I thought when I woke up was that I had to tell Lucy.

Lucy took it hard; she was extremely angry, she raved that she didn't want him at her wedding and she wished to god she would have followed her instincts and never invited him in the first place. I listened with a pang of guilt because that had been partly my fault. Jake chimed in from the background, I could hear him saying he didn't want him there either, no way. There will be several small children running around at the reception, about 8 or so, including a pair of twin 5 year old girls. They both vehemently said they didn't want him there. Period.

Dan suggested Lucy call her father and ask him to call his stepfather since he's still in contact with him to tell him the news and Jake quickly agreed. Both men feel strongly men should handle such things anyway and that Lucy's dad should have stepped up long before. That this would be a good opportunity for T to finally say something.

But, but...Dan and Jake do not know T the way Lucy and I do. T has spent his entire life pretending that part of his childhood never happened. I'm sure if he could, he would have done something but he wasn't strong enough. So was it "right" to ask him now to call his abuser and confront him in a way that would be very painful for him to do?

What about Lucy? Was it correct for Lucy to be forced to call her ex-Grandpa herself? I know Lucy could do it if she forced herself but why put her in that position. And what about Jake or Dan? Well, I know they both offered but two things; one, my ex-FIL doesn't know either of them at all, so would he even listen to them? And more importantly, Dan was ranting again about blowing my ex-FIL head off with a shotgun if he had the chance and Jake was backing him up all the way; would these two men who loved us so much and were being so righteously protective be able to keep their cool if my ex-FIL became combative?

And how could we ask my niece to do it? Who has just now come to terms with her own abuse, who hasn't even told her therapist about it yet for the shame? Or my sis-in-law, who is so broken up about her role in the whole thing? Or my nephew, who has also not come to terms with his abuse yet?

So who is left?

Yeah. You know who. Me. It had to be me. (Isn't that a song? Hah...a little levity here in a series of suck)

Trouble was...I was afraid to do it. Remember, I'm the woman who let herself be felt up by the male pedicurist because I was too embarrassed to speak up for myself. I let Helen run roughshod over me about the shower. I got my nails done again by a new place the other day and I could see the instruments being used were filthy from having been used on others before me and I did not speak up. I won't be going back but I didn't stand up for myself either. I am the type who agrees to do things when I don't mean to because I am such a people pleaser.

I am submissive, I hate confrontation and I will do almost anything to avoid it. I had never faced my ex-FIL and told him what I knew. I was too much of a coward. I warned other people but I never talked to him directly about it; I just cut him out of my life instead.

Yet...who else could do this? I was never a victim of his and I am not related to him, either. Well, no one really is but I mean I was never all that close.

"I'll call him," I told my daughter and I could hear the relief in her voice as she thanked me. "I don't want to involve your father and cause perhaps more tension between you two and also I want to spare you any more stress over your wedding."

After I hung up, again I asked myself, "Can you do this, Amber?" Desperately, I looked for any way out of doing this thing, any way...wasn't there any way I could get out of it? To cold-bloodedly call him after so many years and say "you are not welcome"?

I told Dan I didn't know if I could do this or even that I had the right to do this and Dan again offered to call for me but I said no; this was mine to do, not his. Not this time. He said he'd be there for me if I needed him to take over. So I wrote out what I wanted to say and stared at the words I'd written off and on all day:

"Hi *---*, this is Amber. How are you? Listen, this is awkward for me and it's going to be quite awkward for you but about Lucy's wedding; it was found out over the internet just this last weekend that you are a registered sex-offender on Megan's List and there are going to be a lot of children at the wedding so it's been suggested that you please not come. I hope you understand."

If he responds well: "take care and thank you for your understanding."

If he reacts badly: "we'd hate to get law enforcement involved"

If he reacts very badly, put Dan on the phone.

Sucking it up, I finally made the call and said my spiel. He quietly replied he understood and I knew this was not the first time he'd been told such a thing. I said my little reply in turn, hung up and I felt...

Validated.

Thank you, whoever you are that got him listed on Megan's list, for having the courage to report him to the authorities. We know it wasn't a family member.

Thank you for giving me courage too, for helping my niece face the truth, for my whole family, for helping us all.

Thank you.

Next and last, clues I wish I would have understood earlier and actions we can all take to help prevent this kind of thing from happening and to heal

Echoes From the Past

Warning; this is very dark, no "Happy Fun Amber" in this post. Feel free to skip this one if dark topics are upsetting to you

As the party wore down and most of our guests left, carrying their favors and giving lots of hugs and kisses goodbye, it ended up being just myself, Dan, my ex-sis-inlaw and her daughter; my niece. We all cleaned up for a bit, putting food away, collecting glasses and rinsing them out, etc., then sat back to pour liberal amounts of wine and relax. Much wine was drunk, as is common after parties end, and finally my niece beckoned me to come closer. I could tell by her expression she had something momentous to say.

I love my niece and my ex-sis-in-law. I've been friends with my sis-in-law since I was 14 years old and she was 19. We watched our kids play together all those years at family gatherings. I used to hold my niece as a baby. I changed her diapers, I watched her take her first steps, watched her grow up, fall in love, get married, and finally have babies of her own.

I have missed them both greatly and I'm thrilled that my kids getting married has been the catalyst to bring them back into my life.

"I've started therapy," my niece confessed shyly; so somber, so serious.

"Really? That's fabulous!" I hugged her tight. I believe in therapy like nothing else; I'd still go if I could afford it. There is something very freeing in talking to someone who has no attachments to you, who has an objective point of view, who is trained to help you heal your soul and your mind.

"I'm so proud of you," I gushed. But then...her eyes darkened and I knew there was more and it wasn't going to be good. She...she told me that...

"Grandpa", my ex's stepdad, the only grandfather she had ever known, had sexually molested her when she was little.

Now...some background here. Some of you know about this, because I've alluded to it off and on, but some of you do not know. I'll try to make this brief: when Ray and Lucy were 15 and 19, my then-husband of 20-something years confessed to me that his stepfather had sexually abused him and his little brother starting when they were 7 and 4, back when he first married their mother.

And let me make this very clear; he didn't just "molest" them; he raped them. He sodomized them, made them do oral to him and gave them oral, too. Nightly. For years and years.

To say I went ballistic isn't extreme enough; I lost it, I truly lost it. I had a brief moment of compassion for his pain and then I remembered our kids and all the years they'd stayed overnight at "Grandpa's" house and I wanted to kill my then-husband for knowingly, knowingly, putting our children in the hands of a predator. Kill him with my bare hands right then and there.

I know what it means to "see red", I know what it feels like to want to kill someone, I know what that kind of rage feels like.

It isn't pleasant.

I ran at him, intending to hit him, but he was crying. So I picked up all our kitchen chairs and threw them down the hall, one by one. I screamed at him, "How could you do that to Lucy and Ray?!? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO LUCY AND RAY!" again and again while he sobbed.

I'm sorry. I'm not Mother Teresa, I'm not, okay? I understand intellectually that he was a victim, I've read all about it, the way the predators put a head trip on their victims for life and if my ex would have stepped up and pressed charges after that night I would have forgiven him but he didn't. He didn't so I will never forgive my ex for that. Never. I don't like talking about it much but that truly is when our marriage was really over. I just...I hated him so much right then, there was nothing to come back to. I tried but...I couldn't.

Fortunately when we questioned Ray and Lucy (and the ex was reluctant to do this but I insisted) they were bewildered; they said Grandpa had never touched them that way. They were astounded and perplexed. And...hurt. They had loved their Grandpa and now "poof"; that relationship was gone forever. Then I said we had to talk to sis-in-law about it because of her kids who had spent more time with Grandpa than my kids ever had. She acted shocked and said she'd ask her kids. I followed up and called the next day and she said her kids said they had not been abused.

I spent the next several weeks trying to get SOMEONE in the family to DO something about it, for my ex or his brother to press charges, for the family to shun "Grandpa", to fucking TALK about it at least! But my ex said he just wanted to forget it ever happened and his brother refused to even discuss it. Frustrated, I ended up by saying I was never going to see them at holidays again, the kids were FORBIDDEN to go there ever again but guess what?

I ended up being labeled as that selfish bitch who wouldn't shut up about the Big Family Secret. Nobody wanted to talk about it.

When I left my ex, I was not only relieved at leaving him but for leaving that entire situation. I never got over my anger at everyone's refusal to deal with it, to pretend at ALL COSTS that nothing was wrong.

So finding out my niece had been abused was not exactly a surprise but did break my heart. And infuriated me all over again. And made me sad. And all of it came flooding back again. I hugged her, I said I was glad she spoke up and I asked her about her brother. She said she asked him at Christmas and he admitted he had also been abused. My sis-in-law was sitting there looking like she'd swallowed a golf ball. And I said, "J, don't you remember when you and T and I all sat down and discussed this matter? And you said you asked the kids and they said nothing happened?"

She nodded.

And then I knew.

"You never asked them, did you, J."

She shook her head and looked down, ashamed.

You see? You see how fucking insidious this thing can be? Nobody talks about it, she didn't even ASK HER KIDS because she was afraid of the answer. And more than that...I think she knew.

I think she knew what he had been doing to her brothers all the time, since she was 10 years old and he first married her mother but went along with it for the same reason everyone else did; fear.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! People, we cannot HOPE to stop sexual abuse against our children if we do not fucking TALK ABOUT IT! So you there, reading this, if it happened to you, CALL THE POLICE! NOW! Press charges, I don't care how many years it's been; do you not realize your abuser is probably STILL DOING IT to OTHER CHILDREN? Make the fucking call! Get your loved ones to support you, get counseling first if you need the help and CALL, damn it, I don't care if it's been 50 fucking years, just DO IT!

We all talked for hours. My Dan, (aka, the "Right Good Reverend" Dan) is particularly good about this kind of thing. It's true, he is. Better than me. Dan says I'm more like a bulldog with a meatloaf in my approach. I mean well but I get emotional. (See above rant-paragraph for proof if you didn't already know, heh)

Then my niece tells us she found him on Megan's List. Which means he's already been convicted of sexual crimes against children. Sure enough, we went to the website and there that bastard is.

It's a fairly recent photo too.

Next, events escalate and I get to do something I've wanted to do, but was afraid to do, for a very long time